Unhealthy Diets are the Way to Go

    Ok, so you’re not fat, but you’re not skinny either. You’re not a beached whale, but when you run on the beach, if they’d put you in slow mo, it would still be more like National Lampoon than Baywatch, right?

Its hard being the ‘In-between’. The ‘Fatties’ think you’re skinny and the ‘Bods’ say you’re fat. So what are you supposed to do? Surround yourself with Fatties to raise your self esteem? You could, but in no time you’d end up looking just like them.

   This is the story of how I lost 4 kilo in 2 weeks, and then another 2 in a week and a half. How I managed to reunite with my 6 pack and accept skinny jeans as the current leading model of denim. It wasn’t easy, it was torture, but I said enough is enough. I wanted to be just as happy as the flamers in the A&F ads and I wanted to be able to look at a photo-shopped Mathew McConaughey, on another cover of Men’s Health and not have to give myself a bullshit excuse why he can and I can’t.

    This diet is in no way, shape or form accepted by any dietitian, personal trainer or physician. YOU have to know where to draw the line and have nothing but your goal in front of you. If you have health problems, I say fuck’ em! Morticians will appreciate you more if they don’t have to fire up a crane to get your dead fat ass in the coffin.

    The first thing to do is to stop eating, simple.  Don’t eat for a day. It’s going to hurt, but the hunger pain won’t last. If you’re a smoker and managed to quit smoking for at least a week you can quit eating for 2 days. After one day of not eating you’ll feel lighter, and your senses will be clear and you’ll be able to focus more intensively on losing more weight. Turn to coffee as your main source of energy and go to the gym and do cardio. If you’re too poor to get a gym membership, run.

    Your body will freak out and start eating all the excess fat. By drinking coffee you’ll suppress the hunger, speed up the circulatory system giving you energy to go about your business. This won’t last long. Soon you’ll start getting dizzy and edgy because of the come down from caffeine. The body will begin craving vitamins and remind you of this by random shakes and blackouts throughout the day.

    Eating carrots and watermelon will trick your stomach into thinking that it’s receiving food, but in all reality it’ll just fill your stomach with water and fiber, keeping your digestive system from shutting down. Start doing this as soon as you begin to get the shakes from the coffee and lack of vitamins. This should happen around the third day of not eating. Carrots have basic vitamins and fiber that will help ease the shakes and the blackouts. You’re body will be so happy to get anything at all, that it will think that  things are back to normal and you can easily continue more cardio for the next few days.

    

    Seven days later. You feel like shit, you’re weak you’re hungry, but when you look in the mirror you begin seeing results, and that gives you motivation. Mind over matter, you did good, go buy yourself a pair of jeans you deserve it! Only there’s a catch. They have to be one size too small. You have to barely fit into them. Start wearing these jeans and say to yourself  “I’m going to fit into this next week!” Start to throw out your old clothes and start buying everything in smaller sizes. By doing this you’re telling yourself that you are a new person, these new clothes represent the new you, your new life. By discarding the old clothes you’re ridding yourself of your past fat Self. This method could be a little pricy, so I recommend using your imagination and the internet. Go on fashion websites; check out what those happy slim fuckers are wearing.  Get a little know how on basic fashion composition techniques. I recently developed a keen eye for fashion and can look better in a $50 wardrobe than some of my rich friends in their ‘Royal Collection’. So do your homework because acquiring these skills and looking good feeds your ego and motivates you to keep going. Check out:

 http://artofmanliness.com/2009/03/12/look-good-for-less/

    After 2 weeks of watermelon, carrots, maybe other random uncooked vegetables, you’ll see the dramatic results. You’re belly will be gone; you’ll notice that you don’t have to suck in when sitting in the presence of others; you will feel lighter and more at ease. Congratulations, you’ve earned your first regular meal, but, for breakfast. Have a steak, KFC, whatever, meat pizza etc. The reason I say for breakfast is because, for the last two weeks your body had nothing but fiber and water. Your stomach and intestines slowed down and   got weak. If you eat a square meal now, your body will have a hard time breaking it down and will need more time for the digestive process. Therefore, if you eat your favorite high calorie meal in the morning, you’ll be giving your body a whole day to break everything down and digest it. If you eat around dinner time, it will more than likely stay in your stomach over night, and we all know what happens to calories when they are not being actively used up! They turn into fat.  By eating dinner for breakfast, you give your body a head start by which it can burn the food more efficiently.

    You won’t be able to avoid having to change your diet to a healthier one in the long run, if you don’t want to ‘yo yo’ right back to where you started. I hope that after two weeks of  ‘the shakes’, mood swings from too much coffee and lack of vitamins, that can of coke, bag of chips, chocolate bar won’t be looking so tempting anymore.  You’ll look at yourself in the mirror and see a new friend. Someone more confident and better dressed than the other fat ass you hung out with before. You’ll notice the fat friends have stopped calling and inviting you out and that quiet blond who works the front desk at the gym in the morning started getting more talkative. You’re move Champ!