On Music

      I often wonder if I’ll see a day when I turn on MTV and find out that Justin Bieber bit the head off a bat. Maybe Taylor Swift choked on her own vomit after doing way too much acid? I’d love to see the news with a live reporter standing outside some posh LA hotel, reporting that just ten minutes ago Chad from Nickleback pushed a grand piano out of his penthouse window. Reason? He found out that “His son’s really the bass player’s”. Now that’s rock ‘n’ roll - gross, destructive, artistic, passionate and highly entertaining!

    Unfortunately this form does not go well with old suits who make important financial decisions on a golf course in New England. Why would you want to deal with such liability if you could simply hire some music school geeks. Have them grow their hair and hire a stylist to make them look ‘Metal’.  Formulate a billion contracts and sell their souls to Sturken and Rogers in exchange for a hit. 

       Last night I started watching Cheyenne,  where Sean Penn plays a retired rock star. Although I fell asleep a little half way through, I managed to see an awesome scene where a teeny bopper comes to Cheyenne’s (Penn) house and asks him to produce his band’s album. Cheyenne tells him straight up that he’s not a producer. The teeny bopper doesn’t take no for an answer and insists. Intrigued by the kid’s load of confidence Cheyenne finally asks him what the name of the band is. “The Pieces of Shit” answers the kid. Surprised Cheyenne asks “Why do you call yourselves that?” “Because it’s the perfect name for a band, given the circumstances of where music is heading at this point in history.”

Have you ever asked yourself where the real Rock stars have gone? If you haven’t than you’re probably under twenty-five and were gang raped by the Britney and N’sync movement of early 2000. We all know how pretty an icy bottle of Coke is and the sight of a Big Mac poster depicts a favorite childhood treat, not to mention the best hangover remedy. But if you take the fizz out of Coke it tastes like shit. If your McDee’s is cold, it also tastes like shit. How have we managed to put a smile on and consume just that? We’ve traded Sid and the Sex Pistols for Billie Joe and Green Day;  Steven Tyler and Axl Rose for Chad Kruger!  By the way,who allowed Avril to take Courtney’s place as the voice of the troubled young woman? 

Removing flaws from a human being may be an accomplishment.  Society is always on the move towards the better and more precise. Artists can’t!!!! They must be ugly as well as beautiful, make mistakes, react irrationally, and scream, or else people will have nothing to turn to!! Nothing to cry to and no one to sympathize with.  Elvis wouldn’t have existed had he not heard the songs of poor drug addicted blacks. How would we have Emo geeks if it weren’t for the heroin experimentations of Sid Vicious and Scott Wieland and Axl Rose's hissy fits? If it weren’t for gangbangers turned rappers, Tupac and Biggie; posers  Ja Rule and 50 Cent would never had a chance to shake their rented platinum chains next to Mariah Carrey.

So dear merciful corporate giants if you’re out there and hear my cries. Let rock n roll live again and I promise I’ll commit to a 2 year long distance plan. I’ll drink your soda and say it’s ‘the real thing’.  Just sign someone good for God’s sake.